Hosting and being hosted is a practice as old as time, and we’ve been discussing the surrounding protocol for almost as long. It was an Ancient Roman playwright, Titus Maccius Plautus, who famously compared a guest to fish, saying “after three days it stinks” - a rule we’ve mostly been upheld over the intervening millennia. But there are plenty of other aspects to think about besides, along with considerations of decorum. And there’s no better time to do it than now, when we’re on the cusp of opening our homes to incoming merriment – or launching ourselves forth to overnight at other people’s houses in the name of seasonal cheer.
For instance, should a host give up a family bathroom to guests, thus incurring children traipsing through their bedroom to use their ensuite? Or turn up the dial on the thermostat because a guest hasn’t packed sufficient layers? Is a guest meant to say ‘yes’ to everything, even if they loathe charades, and can think of nothing worse than an eight mile walk and outdoor picnic in December? None of us want to be the person that guests desert earlier than expected, only to later hear on the grapevine that it was because they were uncomfortable and starving. We also don’t want to be the guest that hosts are longing to get rid of after only a few hours and vow never to invite to stay again. To which end, we’ve consulted some of the most hospitable people we know to put together the ultimate guide on getting it right.
Attitude
Not everybody is a natural host – or guest (to which end, do remember that an invitation is not a summons) – and what is apparent is that the best hosts don’t view it as an ordeal to be got through. “We really look forward to it. Day-to-day interactions can be so brief – having people to stay at our house in Scotland is when we really get to see friends properly,” says Jenny Simpson, Design Director of Chelsea Textiles. “I love it,” says Gavin Houghton, and proving his point is the fact that he now professionally hosts painting holidays at La Di Dar, his house in Tangier.
But alongside, guests also have a responsibility. There is popular belief in the merit of ‘being your whole self’ – but if you are feeling Christmas-stressed and overwrought, the preferred approach is more probably ‘fake it ‘til you make it.’ (There is an exception to this rule, which is when people have invited you to come and stay because they know you’re going through a hard time.) Essentially – and ideally – host(s) plus guest(s) equals joyful intent. Or, in the words of Daniel Slowik, “a good house guest brings the party but doesn’t demand one.”
Does the three-day rule still apply?
“Yes!” is the common consensus albeit with some exceptions. “Really good friends are welcome for as long as they like,” says Gavin. “I think you can push to a week if people have put in a big effort and incurred expense in coming,” says Jenny, i.e. distance makes a difference. “Christmas is the exception,” states Wendy Nicholls, Chairman of Sibyl Colefax & John Fowler (though her suggestion of “arrive at teatime on Christmas Eve, and leave the day after Boxing Day, after breakfast,” only very gently nudges the three-day limit.) “I think you can push it for family,” says Mary Graham of Salvesen Graham – though she qualifies it, suggesting that from that point, guests might need to take care of themselves a bit so that the host can have “time out.” Of which more, later. Arguably, it also depends on space. Lengthy stays become trickier for everyone when the sitting room is being employed as a bedroom, unless everybody is very relaxed. (And some are.)
The Present, also known as the ‘Hostess Gift’
“I would never turn up anywhere empty handed,” says Jenny – but ideas on the present vary. “Bring Christmas gifts and lots of champagne. No other edibles,” says Wendy – whereas Jenny appreciates ‘edibles’ that have been brought to augment a collective good time. A large box of chocolates “is always nice to get out after supper,” or something that might be traditional for the guest; “if you’re coming for Christmas, and you always have panettone, bring one!”
Some presents might involve checking with the host first – for instance, smart Christmas crackers for everybody is a lovely gesture, but less lovely if you’re doubling up. Gavin reports that his guests often ring him from the airport duty free, “and that can be quite useful as with Morocco being a Muslim country, bottles of gin or vodka can be hard to get.”
Meal planning
Good hosts, it appears, don’t wing it, and don’t find themselves endlessly nipping to Morrison’s. One interior designer confesses to spreadsheeting menus for a big family Christmas, and “you’re always going to get to lunch or supper, so you’ve got to have a plan,” agrees Jenny – pointing out that there are ways of making it easier. “We do breakfast at home – and then one meal in, one meal out, booked in advance.” At home, “I try and keep it stress free – a one-pot Aga meal, or we’ve got a really good local catering company called Feast, and they’ll make a chicken curry or a venison stew and drop it off fresh. I don’t want to spend all my time in the kitchen - I want to see our guests, and they want to see me.” The meal out, she explains, doesn’t have to be a restaurant, it might be fish and chips on the harbour, “it’s nice for people to go and out and see and experience different places, and the variety of where they’ve come to.” As for who picks up the bill, “I would never expect our guests to,” says Jenny, “but sometimes they will, and that’s nice.” And, Gavin adds, sometimes his present from guests is being taken out to the nearby Villa Mabrouka, Jaspar Conran’s new hotel.
Alternatively, for a big family Christmas, it may be that guests offer to bring a meal or two, which – providing it is pre-arranged, can be welcome. What’s appreciated is if guests bring anything extra that they need for a dish with them, and don’t, for instance, rely on the host’s supply of potatoes (that had been destined for another meal) to make the mashed top to a shepherd’s pie.
Guests would ideally inform hosts of any allergies or food intolerances when they accept the invitation (not when dinner is being served) and, generally, dietary whims shouldn’t be brought with you (“I’m gluten free unless it’s pudding” is irritating, from a host’s perspective.) And, if a guest can’t sleep unless they’ve had a particular concoction of herbal tea, it might be an idea to pack some rather than look disappointed on discovering their host doesn’t have any.
A good guest room
There exist those who like to sleep in a freezing room with an open window under a pile of old fur coats. There also exist those who prefer a warmer room, and a duvet. Ideally, guests would be able to have some impact on the temperature of their bedroom, and if you know that your house is typically 12 degrees at night, please warn your guests, so that they might pack bed socks and thermal pyjamas, and please also equip them with a plug-in heater, an electric blanket, and a hot water bottle. At the other end of the scale, a fan, and pre-knowledge of the existence of air conditioning (or not) will be appreciated. This especially applies to those coming with young children.
But we know that not everybody has the luxury of a guest bedroom, and that for some, having people to stay involves shuffling children like Jenga (or pulling out a sofa bed). If you can, try to put the Lego Death Star somewhere your guests won’t trip over it in the middle of the night, and move the ironing board and piles of laundry. And, if it’s possible to give guests their own bathroom, do – even if that does mean your children using your en-suite. Otherwise, please make sure that there’s a lock on the shared bathroom door, that spare loo paper is easy to locate, and that the bathroom has a bin with a lid. If there’s a knack to how your loo flushes, share the technique – and reassure people that flushing it in the middle of the night will not wake anyone.
It was once common practice to leave jars of biscuit in a guest’s room in case they were peckish in the night – John Fowler sometimes left two different types – and some hosts have continued the practice. Jenny will always give people “a tray with a decanter of whisky, and I’ll go to the local farm shop and pick up a few bits so that there’s something to eat, too.” Mary says that “if we’ve got a family staying, I’ll make sure that they’ve got a kettle and the ability to make that first cup of tea, so that they can send their children downstairs while they enjoy an extra half hour in bed with the papers.” She also puts books and magazines she thinks her guests will enjoy beside their bed, Jenny always adds a vase of flowers from the garden, and everybody emphasises the importance of there being nice bath oils and soaps in the bathroom. Wendy provides a robe, too, and Jenny has a stash of “toothpaste, razors, shampoo – anything that someone might need and might have forgotten to pack.” She adds, “I think it’s nice for guests to know that their hosts have made an effort, that they want them.”
Timetabling the stay
“The last thing you want to hear as a guest is ‘what shall we do now?’” Says Jenny. “So we always plan walks and expeditions, and if we have lots of kids, I’ll plan activities for them, too, both outside and inside - for instance craft projects.” Gavin mostly agrees: “I’ll have a bit of a schedule when people come to stay. I tend to take guests out into Tangier to see my hotspots on the first day, we’ll plan a few trips down the coast, and there’ll be parties. But I also like guests to entertain themselves a bit, to get out and discover the town. Some can’t wait!” (Of course, this is easier in some locations than others.)
There’s also the necessary instruction on day-to-day arrangements, says Gavin – “you let guests know what time breakfast is, tell them what time pre-supper drinks are.” For lying in bed, wide-awake and desperate for coffee, listening out for a creak on the stair to establish someone else being up, is very unrelaxing. And, a tip for hosts: inviting people with a young family to stay, and then suggesting a breakfast time of 10am, is going to be tough on them. Small children’s own routines – however anti-social they can seem – need to be factored in.
Aspects of the timetable might need to be shared in advance: “as a planner, I hate it when I’m not given any instructions as a guest,” says Mary. “I’ll always give people a brief outline of what the plans are, from where we’ll be eating (the dining room is smarter than the kitchen) to walks we might go on, so that they can make their own decisions about what to bring,” she continues – adding that this avoids coming across as too bossy. But, “for heavens sakes warn them if plans involve black tie and let them know how far to go. There’s nothing worse than coming down in a tartan skirt and a woolly jumper when your hostess is dripping diamonds,” says Wendy.
Regarding certain activities, Wendy suggests “having spare outdoor clothes and boots for guests – because they are hell to pack if you haven’t come by car.” Jenny seconds this: “we’ve got children’s gumboots and coats in every single size – they’re what my children have grown out of – but we’ve also bought extras in grown-up sizes, and we’ve got gloves and hats and scarfs so that guests don’t need to worry, and we tell them that.”
“Make yourself at home”
What a guest should know, however, is that saying yes to everything is not compulsory, even if we were brought up to think it is. “Our plans are a framework,” imparts Jenny. “I want our guests to have a lovely time, so if they want to stay back from a walk and read the papers, they can.” And “I’m a bailer, and I want other people to be able to bail too,” says Gavin – explaining that means on everything, including breakfast. “If a guest wants to spend half the day in their room, that’s great.”
Gavin points out that the host has to lead when it comes to creating the general ambience: “I’ll be wandering around barefoot, which sets the scene for a lack of formality,” he says. “Drinks are key, it gets everyone loosened up. I’ll always serve canapés with them too – even before lunch.” And Mary emphasises that a host might have a beautiful house, but “there’s nothing more un-relaxing as a guest than hearing the words ‘no not there!’ or ‘I’ll just get you a coaster,’ – I make a point of letting people take anything anywhere, with their shoes on. I’ve yet to come across a stain that can’t be removed with judicious use of bicarb and vinegar.” (Which is perhaps particularly pertinent advice for interiors enthusiasts.)
Know that if your host is busy in the kitchen, you aren’t obligated to join them: “close friends or people who love cooking are welcome to come and be with me, but equally I don’t want someone fussing around offering to help every five minutes,” says Mary. She adds, “there’s no greater compliment for a host than feeling like you’ve created an environment that people feel comfortable in. I want them to be curled up on a sofa, with my dog in their lap, a glass of wine precariously balanced on a stack of books laughing and chatting with other guests.” That said, when it comes to the washing up, many hands make light work.
Worth bearing in mind, however, is that for most hosts, ‘make yourself at home’ stops short of raiding the fridge and going through the kitchen cupboards, unless explicitly invited to do so. Though, turning it back on the hosts, “guests shouldn’t need to,” remarks Wendy. What can be nice is to say to guests – or their children – that the fruit bowl has a ‘help yourself’ policy, and indicate a stash of oat cakes, or something similar, for anyone who struggles to go five hours between meals. Lastly, ‘make yourself at home’ also doesn’t mean that you should scatter your belongings through the house, leaving a trail in your wake.
A final word
A little more niche, but if you happen to stay in a grander house and you know that the housekeeper has made up your bed, then “£20 on the bedside table when you leave,” suggests Gavin, is a nice touch.
Finally, hosting doesn’t have to be reciprocal – in the way that we don’t always give to receive –and some people are, anyway, better at one than the other; “I’m an awful guest,” says Gavin. But, if you have been to stay with someone, do write a thank you letter - within a day or two, if possible (though better late than never.) People remember those.
